ANXIOUS ANECDOTES

    “I’ve bought the materials to build the fence, but after that I’m done.  I’m just not cut out for home projects”.  Nick’s words stung like a slap in the face.  My sweet husband, who created home projects as an excuse to excitedly buy new tools, spoke with sadness and defeat etched in every word.  This statement followed our ½ bath gut and DIY re-tiling and happened in the dark of night; after I pressed and pressed because I could no longer endure the immense tension that sat like a wedge between us.  First off, let me express my immense delusion here— Yes, the tile work got intense when laying the last piece, and yes, I considered ripping it all out because the spacing in a few places was maybe 1/20^th of an inch off.  But had I been asked I would have said (AND DID) that the bathroom tiling went awesome!! HA! So you can only imagine my utter shock at this statement.  My gut sank; my skin got sweaty.  It wasn’t home projects he was burnt out on, it was me.  It was the way my anxiety swelled to panic when met with a problem, the way I took control of nearly every significant aspect of a project to ensure that it was “just right”.  Nick’s creativity and joy and, in essence his spirit, was being crushed under the weight of my anxiety and need for control. 

    

    Having just purchased my grandparents’ home, a fixer upper with a seemingly never-ending list of to dos, this news was more than a little shocking and inconvenient.  But the truth is that this conversation was the point of significant change in my spirit.  I have always struggled with anxiety and perfectionism.  I vividly remember erasing holes in my paper as a child because my “e didn’t look right”, having anxiety swell fast and furious within me during exams or intense moments and experiencing physical reactions to high levels of overwhelm.  These were qualities I’d started to accept as “just how I am”.  And yet, they are the parts of myself that I am desperate to be free from: for my husband, my children, myself.  Anxiety has stripped me of so much enjoyment in life, the worry settling into my spirit over things both large and small, like an unwanted house guest who keeps showing up for an extended stay.  Up to this point, I had journeyed through heart work on these issues, and while I had made some progress in the areas of parenting and my home, these deep-rooted issues kept resurfacing in new and creative ways.  It’s amazing how much anxiety feels like an independent life form so capable of wreaking havoc on life. 

    

    This conversation with Nick set into motion a renewed desire to work on further changes in my heart surrounding anxiety and control.  It was hurtful and hard to hear him express those feelings, but at the same time, hearing him speak this truth was oddly freeing!  I am an external processor; I want to talk everything out and essentially be inside Nick’s head and know all his thoughts and feelings (too much to ask?!).  Nick is an eternally optimistic, silent processor, preferring the wait-and-see approach; he hopes an issue will resolve itself before it ever has to be brought up.  So, you can see how this would be torture for me and it should come as no surprise that I initiate most of the challenging conversations in our marriage; what can I say, I’m a sucker for punishment.  Now, it’s significant to note that the levels of anxiety I was experiencing during this time far excelled my usual low set, simmering anxiety; this anxiety was encompassing me body, mind and soul and causing me to exert high levels of control in nearly all aspects of life.  In addition to moving to a home that needed work, with 3 small children, Nick and I were walking through a season of his work life that was very debilitating.  He was rounding out 2 years of a ridiculous work schedule: 13-15hour workdays, 6days/week.  He left the house at 4:30a and was typically home around 7/7:30p.  Then March 2020 arrived, and the world was turned on it's head.  I share this not to rant, but just to express that life provided us with a rare mix of stress, life events, inconvenience and global pandemonium that resulted in an incredibly hyper-tense state of life.  I was existing in survival mode for a length of time that far exceeded sustainable.  But, we all know it’s rare that life comes at you with just one thing at a time.

    

    Now for me, control and anxiety are most often experienced together.  I feel out of control (the house is in disarray, the kids are crazy, laundry up to my eyeballs, the bathrooms need a deep clean, usually all the above at once), feelings of anxiety and overwhelm creep in and overtake me and then I grasp in desperation for control through cleaning, restoring order or “loud” parenting to bring me peace.  The truth is, that the peace I’m achieving in this state is totally artificial, not the deep-seeded, circumstance pervading peace I crave.  This artificial peace never lasts, because the circumstances of “perfection” that I created to meet my need never remain; the messes keep coming, the kids keep needing and I will continue being stretched.

    I attest my initial submission of control to my children.  Each child has grown me and refined me and forced me, like it or not, to yield my control to the beautiful chaos of childhood.  When I was a mother to just a single child, my Ellie bug, I was still able to exert my unrealistic levels of control within my home: I dusted every other day, vacuumed after each snack, put toys away immediately, wiped face and hands after each bite, folded and put laundry away right away... you get it!  Now, having 3 kids, I can no longer afford such luxuries of control.  Nor do I want to!  Change was slow; it began as something happening to me, that I was forced to accept because... LIFE WITH KIDS.  But over time, my heart started deeply desiring to be free from the crippling grip of panic and anxiety that seemed to underlie nearly every experience I had.  I didn’t want to just endure these messy, wonderful years of their baby and toddlerhood, I wanted to whole-hearted and authentically live into every single moment!  I am living the years every parent wishes they could bring back and I didn’t want to wish them away.

    By means of faith and accountability supports (Nick and close friends) I have experienced immense freedom from the chains of anxiety and control.  For me, my anxiety breeds in the darkness.  If I keep things to myself, they become so huge and glaring and overwhelming in my mind. I begin to believe they are totally insurmountable and completely unrelatable.  But the moment I shed light on those anxieties, they lose their power over me.  I no longer feel alone and bizarre in my patterns of thinking... it's amazing what a cathartic release that provides.  I began intentionally acknowledging my anxieties and control exertions to Nick and those close friends and prayerfully submitting them to God; pleading with Him to change my heart.  I can honestly say, after nearly 3 years of prayer and very intentional efforts, my change is feeling authentic.  It’s no longer something I desperately desire for myself, but rather something I am starting to sincerely live into.  Now, let’s not get crazy and call me a type B personality type! I still struggle with desire for control and bouts of anxiety; however, it no longer has a stronghold over my life.  I find myself feeling anxious nearly every day; but now, instead of trying to just ignore it I address the anxiety head on.  I meditate on the specific trigger for that specific anxiety attack and I identify it.  If it’s a to do I’ve forgotten that really needs to be done, I take care of it, if it can wait, I make a note in my phone so my mind can rest.  Or if it’s an irrational anxiety with no basis in truth (often is!), I acknowledge it and prayerfully release it.  I’ve found that practicing these tools has made a significant impact on my mental and emotional health. 

    I don’t believe I come off as a person who has been heavily afflicted by anxiety and control.  And while it certainly doesn’t define me, it is a significant part of my story.  I am an extrovert, I love being around people; this is where I draw energy, when I am happiest, when I am the best parent and the most fun-loving version of myself.  So, it makes sense that under the circumstances of time spent with others I am far less thwarted.  But that which is not readily seen does not cease to exist, and that is exactly why I feel it is SO important to share these uncomfortable truths about myself.  I want you to know me better so that I can be trusted to know you better.  I want to be a confidant for others so that my experiences can be used for good and maybe even help someone with their own journey.  My hope as you finish reading this, is that you feel seen and understood.  

Excited to read your comments and questions below!

❤ Christine