"LOVE CHECKS"

    I had a quite common and ordinary moment with my oldest, Ellie, today.  And while the interaction was one that happens daily, in one form or another with one child or the other, I was struck by the significance of the experience in a new way today.  Ellie made a poor choice and then lied about it when Suzie ratter her out (I love all the sets of eyes and ears I have looking out for me, lol).  Telling the truth is something we have worked on very intentionally in our parenting journey.  We literally created a family mantra for it: “The Janicke family tells the truth” and continued lying is met with a taste of white vinegar (IT WORKS, made on impact the first time for both girls!).  Anyway, when confronted with her lie, Ellie confessed, which was wonderful!  Done deal, move on, no looking back.  But what struck me was the sadness and shame that washed over her during our conversation.  Now, I was actually in total control of my emotions (for once!) and was speaking very calmly and kindly; I wasn’t even a bit mad about the situation, but I did want to gently reinforce that we don’t lie in our family.  And still, the event prompted an IMMEDIATE emotional response in her the second Suzie revealed the truth.  Tears welling, anger rising, pulling away from me when I tried to hug her.  I’m reading a book where the author discusses that people, children specifically, tend to feel that they are unlovable when they make mistakes.  I was witnessing firsthand the words I read just nights before and it totally crushed me.  She wanted to run away and hide, and I know from nearly 6 years of parenting her, that she needed to do so.  I touched her sweet little cheek, said “I love you Ellie, even when you make mistakes” and let her go, listening as she dashed up the stairs and slammed her bedroom door. 

 

    Not 5 minutes later, I heard a booty call from the upstairs bathroom.  Now, Ellie is very capable of wiping herself and almost always does, but I realized this wasn’t a true need, rather an authenticity check of my words.  She was ensuring that my affirmation of love, even after her retaliation, was truthful.  Was I was going to lovingly meet her need in that moment or scream up the stairs for her to do it herself?  Now, I don’t love wiping butts, I don’t know anyone who does, but I knew in that moment it was the most caring and loving thing I could do for her.  So, I walked up and wiped her bum. 

 

    It got me thinking about how often we see these behaviors as parents; ours kids hit us then want to be held, throw their bowl of oatmeal on the floor and then want to kiss you, intentionally dump the entire box of cereal out in the basement and say uh-oh, draw on the walls and then tell on themselves... these moments are INFURIATING and some are downright displays of disobedience, but I think often our little babes are love checking us.  Will we still love them through the muck?  Is there a “too naughty” where our love runs dry? This aspect of mothering is draining, some days these endless “love checks” stretch you beyond your capacity.  The truth is, you will fall short in your reactions sometimes, maybe most times!  I sure as heck do!  We are human too, after all.  However, I think if we can hold on to the perspective that they are seeking a display of unconditional love, it can help us persevere.  As Ellie has gotten older and more independent, I find myself being more intolerant of her seemingly “unnecessary” needs, why do I have to buckle her seatbelt when she has been doing so for 3 years or put on her shoes or zip her coat.  This experience reminded me that growing up can feel scary, and as much as Ellie wants to be grown, she will forever need to know that she can lean on me when it all feels like too much. 

 

Whoa, cry break... not sure why writing that realization out has me in tears over here.  Maybe it's because Ellie is acting so grown up lately or that she’s turning 6 next month, but gosh it’s hitting me hard. The ways they need us and the power we have in our responses to shape them.  Phew!  Okay, let’s keep it going.     

 

    I sat on the bathroom floor and reiterated my words of love for her, reminding her that we all mess up sometimes and that she is loved even when she does.  I also confronted her desire to want to hide.  As she had fled from me, it was an action that made me feel so sad but one that was so utterly familiar and completely relatable.  When we mess up, hiding is a natural human response.  We all feel the tendency toward keeping our imperfections hidden away, as if they are non-existent if they go unseen by others.  We do this for a multitude of reasons: desire to project perfection, fear of judgement, shame of our shortcomings.  But as I mentioned in my last post, Anxious Anecdotes, shame and isolation are bred in the darkness and freedom can only be found in the light.  Confessing our mistakes is SO hard, but gosh there is SO MUCH FREEDOM to experience from doing so!  We are a Christian household and so I look for ways to point us all to Jesus.  When she wanted to hide from me, I was instantly reminded of Adam and Eve and how they hid from God after they sinned by eating the fruit.  They hid because they felt shame over their nakedness.  And what did God do?  Yes, they had to leave Eden, but not before he lovingly made them clothes to eradicate their shame.  He loved them through their mistake and that is my desire as a parent, too.

 

    When our kids make mistakes, deliberately disobey, (annoyingly) act their age, or anything in between, it provides us with a multi-fold opportunity.  On the one hand, we have a parenting opportunity where we can disciple them and communicate the values of our family and on the other hand, we have the beautiful opportunity to communicate our unconditional love for them through our actions and despite theirs.  You won't get it right every time, but that's what grace is all about... (I feel a new blog brewing!!)  Until next time, friends!

❤ Christine 

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